You Don’t Bring Me Flowers (Is It Time To Leave Your Job?)

Image by Author - Twenty Years From Now…

In December 2013, I bought a 100% wool, grey Gerard Darel coat in a large department store. It was one of the most expensive, and also one of the worst purchases I have ever made. It was double-breasted, a complete no-no when you are of diminutive stature, the belt threatened to strangle me, there was never a day cold enough to wear it, I looked like my mother. A few months later, I sold it on eBay for a fraction of the price. I felt cleansed, no longer reminded of the psychological frailty that had prompted me into parting with so much cash. It had been a low moment. I’d been sobbing my way round the rails of clothing, clinging on to Karen Millen dresses and Mint Velvet cardigans. My dignity was in tatters, my professional reputation in pieces, I was utterly drained from all the emotional outpourings in the office, the lengthy, trying-to-make-sense-of-it-all conversations at home. There was a restructure in my department. I’d been told I needed to apply for my own job. There were less jobs than people. Colleague was set against colleague. I’m still not sure how I thought an over-sized outer garment would help restore my self-esteem or equip me with sufficient resilience. I’d have been somewhat over-dressed arriving in it for the interview. It was a brutal experience. No amount of corporate wellbeing initiatives could ever unpick that trauma.

When the piece of paper with the redundancy calculation was slid across the table towards me by a human resource, I was stoical, calm, impassive. Like a well-trained client advised to remain silent by a good lawyer, I said nothing and left the room. I toyed with just taking the money and exiting the building. I may even have sent an email to that effect. In the end, I stayed. My ego was massaged, I was persuaded. I’m not sure I am proud of that, it felt like selling my soul to the devil. I should have walked away with my head held high, but the timing just wasn’t quite right. I was not long back from my fourth maternity leave, a career in academia still seemed vaguely attractive, I had absolutely no desire to be at home with small children, I hadn’t the energy to search for something else. But, it was the turning point in my relationship with my job. As I sat at my desk and wrote Christmas cards all afternoon in protest at having to answer endless competency-based questions about my ability to perform my own duties, my job and I had a long, hard chat with each other and agreed, never again. Never again, would I allow it to control me like that. Next time, I’d be in control. It was transactional from here on in. I’d not outstay our relationship.

What’s your relationship like with your job? Who’s in control? No doubt, it’s complicated. It’s not just the daily tasks, the job itself - it’s all the baggage that comes with it - the culture, the value system, the quality of the leadership, the micro- and macro-politics, the individuals you work with. It comes as one big, messy package, like lots of in-laws you don’t want. But aside from your closest family, it’s probably the most intense relationship you are ever going to have in your life. So much is tied up into it – your hopes, dreams, purpose, image, identity.

We’re told, “work won’t love you back”. It’s unrequited, one-way. But that’s not strictly true.  Whilst it’s rarely perfect and has its ups and downs, it’s amazing how modest amounts of what seems like love are just enough to maintain our devotion - a few lines of praise from the boss, an acknowledgment on the staff Intranet, a pat on the back in a meeting, a distinguished employee award, a success worthy of sharing on LinkedIn. The difficulty is that when it comes to the five languages of appreciation in the workplace, most organisations rely far too heavily on these ‘words of affirmation’ and after a while, such tokenistic validations lose their appeal. More imagination is needed to prevent the so-called ‘great resignation’. ‘Quality time’ is hugely neglected when it comes to employee attrition¹. Most employees would just like their manager to listen to them.

One morning in August 2019, five and a half-years after I’d successfully been recruited for my own job, I woke up and realised I couldn’t keep doing the same Septembers. I was twenty-plus years away from retirement, but I was terrified that this was all there was, a repetitive annual cycle of activities with no element of challenge nor surprise.

We don’t suddenly and dramatically break up with our job, falling completely out of love overnight. The Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond classic You Don’t Bring Me Flowers² perfectly describes the lingering decline of a relationship and in many ways, a job is just like a romantic partnership that has run its course. It can be a slow, gradual decay, a creeping awareness that there is no spark, no excitement, no flowers anymore. We begin to have extra-work affairs, looking around for sidelines to fulfil our professional needs. For me, it was a random qualification, a development programme, chairing an external Board, a voluntary decision to take on leading a diversity network. We can stay for a multitude of reasons, but we don’t leave for one reason only – fear. In her book³, Susan Jeffers describes how it is usually fear of giving up payoffs that keeps us stuck – salary, title, prestige, comfort, the ability to buy unnecessary coats. We blame the organisation for failing to provide us with opportunities but actually, it’s all about us choosing to stay safe.

Knowing the relationship with your job is potentially over is one thing, leaving is another thing altogether! “You think I could learn how to tell you goodbye,” sing Barbra and Neil. The writing is on the wall but still they can’t take that final step. When I said I was taking a one-year career break, most people asked what I would be doing in my ‘year off’. Very few, if any, asked why I was doing it. Yet, the ‘why’ was all about creating a space, enough distance from my job to see if there was a future beyond it, to see if I was ready to give up those payoffs. In essence, it was a trial separation to establish if we were ready to divorce….

1. For more on this, see Gary Chapman and Paul White The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace on YouTube.

2. Have a listen and imagine it’s about a job…

3. Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway.