Exactly when the much easier choice is to look away and numb. But it’s weighing on me so doing something matters…but as you say, not sure how to effect any change…
Thank you for talking about this. I've often appreciated the way you reflect on things, but this haqs moved me to comment. Our local churches would regain so much of my respect if I thought they cared about housing justice or the epidemic of domestic violence here.
I left a DV situation for substandard social housing, where my neighbours - mostly disabled and older people - and I are lied to, gaslighted, and treated as troublemakers if we complain. It's been a traumatic slide from one abuse setting to another. I've struggled to work as a result. Our housing association wins awards: like most abusers, those in charge know the value of a good public face.
NI's institutions should (but won't) learn from Grenfell. When you're in social housing or on benefits, you become abstract: people imagine our "cushy life" at their expense: not the rats or mould or the absent insulation or the inadequate fire safety infrastructure. Our wellbeing and safety lack a compelling monetary value, and any spend on us is begrudged.
A while ago I shared my situation with a friend. He's great: active in church, inspiring in his human rights work, and I've learnt a lot from him. Turned out he knew the head of my housing association. So his reaction was "surely not, he's a lovely man". That shut me up. Every abuser is "lovely" to someone, whether their harms are direct or via their systemic power. Middle class (and not all of it male) solidarity is as harmful as sectarianism here, and often they combine.
My friend is the "average" voter our leaders imagine when they slash the funding to victim-survivor services. Politicians picture bright, upright churchgoers tutting over public spending on people like me, and they make more cuts. Everyone's got this fantasy that if abused women "just left" we'd be safe; that we acticely choose danger by staying, but there's no safe place to go unless multiple systems function with integrity: systems being deliberately broken.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. At the moment, I feel I am guilty of being in a bit of a churchgoer bubble (although maybe awareness of this is the first step) and I really need to hear stories like yours and ask myself if I am complicit in being part of a system that is working ok for me and therefore I don't need to worry about how broken it is. I honestly think the church is so incredibly removed from the real world and DV and housing are something we never hear anything about yet they are a reality for so many. It's almost like we don't want to go there or something. What is happening with your housing is such an injustice but as you say, will anything be learnt from Grenfell. I have to say "surely not, he's a lovely man" really struck me. I listened to a podcast recently which talked about how much victims have to fight to be believed because of the image that those they are accusing portray. We only have to look at the news again this weekend to see yet another story of an abuser come to light who had a public television image. There's so much here in what you say. I feel my reply is so inadequate. No idea where you are but happy to chat further privately. Thank you once again for sharing this with me.
Was challenged this week to look square at a story of injustice and let it break my heart to act. Read about the famine in Afghanistan and was appalled. Sometime in the last 10 15 years I stopped reading the news because I found it so overwhelming. And yet we need to read this stuff...
Church needs to care more about women and their subjugation . You could be tempted to believe it doesn't matter. It does.
On a lighter note, "a whole lot of things returning I hadn’t missed" made me guffaw. We've been late for school a lot already. Not all down to my son.
Julie I saw a report on BBC News too this week on the famine and it was awful. The suffering of babies and their mothers is unbearable and yet what can we do, there is a ‘government’ there that is doing this to its own people. It’s hard not to despair. I’m glad you think church should care more about the subjugation of women. Sometimes I feel like a rampant feminist in the middle of the 19th century. So glad you’ve been late to school. Feeling better already about my stupor!
It’s sad to admit but I think we’re all busy in our own little lives and so disconnected from one another (at least physically) that we’ve become disassociated from those outside our immediate circles or too overwhelmed by the pain and suffering in the world that we distract or numb ourselves instead. I try to speak up and focus on making a positive impact where I can whilst quietly screaming on the inside… is this really progress for women???
I totally agree Elaine about it being much easier to distract or numb ourselves. I’m not even sure why I paid attention this week as often I’m sadly likely to just ignore things mainly because I usually think that’s someone else and I can’t do anything about it. Quietly screaming on the inside definitely isn’t progress but it’s almost a way of life….
Consuming the news 'square on' is challenging and your post resonates. How to effect positive change though, that's the question.
Exactly when the much easier choice is to look away and numb. But it’s weighing on me so doing something matters…but as you say, not sure how to effect any change…
Thank you for talking about this. I've often appreciated the way you reflect on things, but this haqs moved me to comment. Our local churches would regain so much of my respect if I thought they cared about housing justice or the epidemic of domestic violence here.
I left a DV situation for substandard social housing, where my neighbours - mostly disabled and older people - and I are lied to, gaslighted, and treated as troublemakers if we complain. It's been a traumatic slide from one abuse setting to another. I've struggled to work as a result. Our housing association wins awards: like most abusers, those in charge know the value of a good public face.
NI's institutions should (but won't) learn from Grenfell. When you're in social housing or on benefits, you become abstract: people imagine our "cushy life" at their expense: not the rats or mould or the absent insulation or the inadequate fire safety infrastructure. Our wellbeing and safety lack a compelling monetary value, and any spend on us is begrudged.
A while ago I shared my situation with a friend. He's great: active in church, inspiring in his human rights work, and I've learnt a lot from him. Turned out he knew the head of my housing association. So his reaction was "surely not, he's a lovely man". That shut me up. Every abuser is "lovely" to someone, whether their harms are direct or via their systemic power. Middle class (and not all of it male) solidarity is as harmful as sectarianism here, and often they combine.
My friend is the "average" voter our leaders imagine when they slash the funding to victim-survivor services. Politicians picture bright, upright churchgoers tutting over public spending on people like me, and they make more cuts. Everyone's got this fantasy that if abused women "just left" we'd be safe; that we acticely choose danger by staying, but there's no safe place to go unless multiple systems function with integrity: systems being deliberately broken.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. At the moment, I feel I am guilty of being in a bit of a churchgoer bubble (although maybe awareness of this is the first step) and I really need to hear stories like yours and ask myself if I am complicit in being part of a system that is working ok for me and therefore I don't need to worry about how broken it is. I honestly think the church is so incredibly removed from the real world and DV and housing are something we never hear anything about yet they are a reality for so many. It's almost like we don't want to go there or something. What is happening with your housing is such an injustice but as you say, will anything be learnt from Grenfell. I have to say "surely not, he's a lovely man" really struck me. I listened to a podcast recently which talked about how much victims have to fight to be believed because of the image that those they are accusing portray. We only have to look at the news again this weekend to see yet another story of an abuser come to light who had a public television image. There's so much here in what you say. I feel my reply is so inadequate. No idea where you are but happy to chat further privately. Thank you once again for sharing this with me.
Was challenged this week to look square at a story of injustice and let it break my heart to act. Read about the famine in Afghanistan and was appalled. Sometime in the last 10 15 years I stopped reading the news because I found it so overwhelming. And yet we need to read this stuff...
Church needs to care more about women and their subjugation . You could be tempted to believe it doesn't matter. It does.
On a lighter note, "a whole lot of things returning I hadn’t missed" made me guffaw. We've been late for school a lot already. Not all down to my son.
Julie I saw a report on BBC News too this week on the famine and it was awful. The suffering of babies and their mothers is unbearable and yet what can we do, there is a ‘government’ there that is doing this to its own people. It’s hard not to despair. I’m glad you think church should care more about the subjugation of women. Sometimes I feel like a rampant feminist in the middle of the 19th century. So glad you’ve been late to school. Feeling better already about my stupor!
It’s sad to admit but I think we’re all busy in our own little lives and so disconnected from one another (at least physically) that we’ve become disassociated from those outside our immediate circles or too overwhelmed by the pain and suffering in the world that we distract or numb ourselves instead. I try to speak up and focus on making a positive impact where I can whilst quietly screaming on the inside… is this really progress for women???
I totally agree Elaine about it being much easier to distract or numb ourselves. I’m not even sure why I paid attention this week as often I’m sadly likely to just ignore things mainly because I usually think that’s someone else and I can’t do anything about it. Quietly screaming on the inside definitely isn’t progress but it’s almost a way of life….