This weeks story really resonated with me. I’m a single parent who still seems to do all of the “child admin” (despite my ex husband who has the kids 50% of the time thinking he does it all) and I’m currently trying to teach my 74 year old father to live independently 200 miles away from me, arguing with the nhs and local social care team to get help for my mother in a care home, dealing with grumpy calls from her, using Amazon to send her new knickers as they have all been lost again, splitting their finances so that only half of the life savings go on care home fees and working full time. My brother however calls my dad once a month when I nag him and seems to not suffer from any guilt 😔. I too sometimes just go and hide from it all!
Suzanne this is actually painful to read and makes me quite cross! The whole eldercare/responsibility for parents is a whole other level I didn’t expect and I am still processing how it gets landed on siblings unfairly. It sounds like you have your hands full and who’s caring for you? I take my hat off to you in terms of what you are managing as I in many ways just gave up…
I do have half of my time when I don’t have to be a hands on parent which helps. Just when the kids are starting to drive me mad they go for a week and by the time they come back I have missed them. It took a while to get used to but it’s actually quite nice - i have a lot of married friends who are jealous!
As you say there are things you have to say no to - I handle my aged parental chaos by phone and email which is far easier to switch off from that being there in person.
It sounds counterintuitive, but work helps as it brings a sense of satisfaction that it is hard to get from the social reproductive work. I suspect it’s a similar feeling to the one that helps you write each week?
Oh gosh if my life was social-reproductive labour only I think I’d go mad! I can totally get how work becomes a sanctuary where you are at least respected for what you do and who you are. That’s what I miss most about leaving my job - a place to go where I wasn’t defined by my domestic roles. I’m glad you are handling your parents by email/phone. Mine live 5 minutes away so I am handy to call on but they are still fairly self-reliant thankfully.
I'm late to the party on this Deborah but I couldn't resist my tuppence 😆 I love , love, love this piece!!! If for anything, then to hear you echo what I regularly tell my offspring about living away from them and their offspring when the time comes. I too reiterate having no intentions of being their ever-available childminder! Instead, I'll be living the dream that I've had no window for since being at home full-time with them for more than 12 years already.
But I will give a shout out to my empowering husband for his conviction of us being equals. Full-time motherhood was never an assumed, expectation of me. I valued my mum's sacrifice - primarily down to our Indian heritage - for my siblings and I in our formative years. This made it a no-brainer for me to choose likewise for our children. Although it was way simpler to raise children in the 'good old days' with extended family life being more interconnected and supportive. And many thought of me as being brain dead for not returning to the working world - whatever that is! Still... plenty were the days during the excessive array of housework and school runs and playdates and church involvement and... when I would readily have paid someone to take me back to renumerative productivity beyond home and family life 🤣
Thank you so much for this and I am so heartened to hear someone else feels the same way about continuing to care for their children's children during the next stage in life. When you think about it, if we never said no, we could spend four decades of our lives caring for children... Having had a little taste of living the dream, I am highly reluctant to give it up! Like you though, I too have had a husband who has done his best to ensure I get to do the things I want to but I think recognising who holds economic power was a lightbulb moment for me and has helped me come to terms with why I didn't get to do all I wanted to do beyond home and family life. It's not easy!
Deborah this is thoughtful writing about stuff that needs airing - so often it's in the water we swim in each day so we rarely stop to question it. As someone who didn't have regular grandparent help with childcare, I often longed for it but I also felt glad that the relationship between grandparents and parents wasn't muddied by this transaction. And with a husband now doing more of the hands on childcare and housework, to allow me time to do other work, I'm thinking about this a lot. And feeling grateful. Sometimes a bit guilty. But mostly grateful for a chance to take my turn at not leading in this space.
There’s no doubt Julie that it’s complicated. I relied on grandparents for childcare which is making me feel somewhat guilty about not wanting to do that for my children but I’d rather help them financially with childcare costs than risk giving up my own creative dreams. Why do we even feel guilty? My husband is not having any guilt thoughts at all! He’ll be the grandad golfing!!
I love a bit of Marx in the morning. The slip, incremental choice by incremental choice, into these roles is hard to notice and harder still to pull out of; the conversations of how the invisible labour can be shared out within families are fraught and demand an energy all of their own.
This is so important how it is incremental and gradually creeps in rather than being an active, considered choice that is made. Makes me wonder when the no starts or how much option there is to say no. Totally agree re the difficult conversations about division of invisible labour.
You are saying the unsayable with great style. We need more discussion about these personal and taboo topics so we (and the women that come behind us) can lead our lives in a better way.
Thank you! Yes it seems daft that for a long time I thought I was doing something wrong yet quite simply economic circumstances were stacked against me!
This weeks story really resonated with me. I’m a single parent who still seems to do all of the “child admin” (despite my ex husband who has the kids 50% of the time thinking he does it all) and I’m currently trying to teach my 74 year old father to live independently 200 miles away from me, arguing with the nhs and local social care team to get help for my mother in a care home, dealing with grumpy calls from her, using Amazon to send her new knickers as they have all been lost again, splitting their finances so that only half of the life savings go on care home fees and working full time. My brother however calls my dad once a month when I nag him and seems to not suffer from any guilt 😔. I too sometimes just go and hide from it all!
Suzanne this is actually painful to read and makes me quite cross! The whole eldercare/responsibility for parents is a whole other level I didn’t expect and I am still processing how it gets landed on siblings unfairly. It sounds like you have your hands full and who’s caring for you? I take my hat off to you in terms of what you are managing as I in many ways just gave up…
I do have half of my time when I don’t have to be a hands on parent which helps. Just when the kids are starting to drive me mad they go for a week and by the time they come back I have missed them. It took a while to get used to but it’s actually quite nice - i have a lot of married friends who are jealous!
As you say there are things you have to say no to - I handle my aged parental chaos by phone and email which is far easier to switch off from that being there in person.
It sounds counterintuitive, but work helps as it brings a sense of satisfaction that it is hard to get from the social reproductive work. I suspect it’s a similar feeling to the one that helps you write each week?
Oh gosh if my life was social-reproductive labour only I think I’d go mad! I can totally get how work becomes a sanctuary where you are at least respected for what you do and who you are. That’s what I miss most about leaving my job - a place to go where I wasn’t defined by my domestic roles. I’m glad you are handling your parents by email/phone. Mine live 5 minutes away so I am handy to call on but they are still fairly self-reliant thankfully.
I'm late to the party on this Deborah but I couldn't resist my tuppence 😆 I love , love, love this piece!!! If for anything, then to hear you echo what I regularly tell my offspring about living away from them and their offspring when the time comes. I too reiterate having no intentions of being their ever-available childminder! Instead, I'll be living the dream that I've had no window for since being at home full-time with them for more than 12 years already.
But I will give a shout out to my empowering husband for his conviction of us being equals. Full-time motherhood was never an assumed, expectation of me. I valued my mum's sacrifice - primarily down to our Indian heritage - for my siblings and I in our formative years. This made it a no-brainer for me to choose likewise for our children. Although it was way simpler to raise children in the 'good old days' with extended family life being more interconnected and supportive. And many thought of me as being brain dead for not returning to the working world - whatever that is! Still... plenty were the days during the excessive array of housework and school runs and playdates and church involvement and... when I would readily have paid someone to take me back to renumerative productivity beyond home and family life 🤣
Thank you so much for this and I am so heartened to hear someone else feels the same way about continuing to care for their children's children during the next stage in life. When you think about it, if we never said no, we could spend four decades of our lives caring for children... Having had a little taste of living the dream, I am highly reluctant to give it up! Like you though, I too have had a husband who has done his best to ensure I get to do the things I want to but I think recognising who holds economic power was a lightbulb moment for me and has helped me come to terms with why I didn't get to do all I wanted to do beyond home and family life. It's not easy!
Deborah this is thoughtful writing about stuff that needs airing - so often it's in the water we swim in each day so we rarely stop to question it. As someone who didn't have regular grandparent help with childcare, I often longed for it but I also felt glad that the relationship between grandparents and parents wasn't muddied by this transaction. And with a husband now doing more of the hands on childcare and housework, to allow me time to do other work, I'm thinking about this a lot. And feeling grateful. Sometimes a bit guilty. But mostly grateful for a chance to take my turn at not leading in this space.
There’s no doubt Julie that it’s complicated. I relied on grandparents for childcare which is making me feel somewhat guilty about not wanting to do that for my children but I’d rather help them financially with childcare costs than risk giving up my own creative dreams. Why do we even feel guilty? My husband is not having any guilt thoughts at all! He’ll be the grandad golfing!!
Deborah, this is a powerful piece of writing. I hope that book is coming along.....
Aw thank you Rosina. Book sort of coming along. I shall update on how the book is going soon!
I love a bit of Marx in the morning. The slip, incremental choice by incremental choice, into these roles is hard to notice and harder still to pull out of; the conversations of how the invisible labour can be shared out within families are fraught and demand an energy all of their own.
This is so important how it is incremental and gradually creeps in rather than being an active, considered choice that is made. Makes me wonder when the no starts or how much option there is to say no. Totally agree re the difficult conversations about division of invisible labour.
You are saying the unsayable with great style. We need more discussion about these personal and taboo topics so we (and the women that come behind us) can lead our lives in a better way.
Thank you! Yes it seems daft that for a long time I thought I was doing something wrong yet quite simply economic circumstances were stacked against me!
What stunning writing Deborah! A lifetime’s work right there. Love it.
Thank you Sarah I hugely appreciate this!