Days Like This Monthly Newsletter November 23 - Do You Feel Like You Belong?
It’s been said that you always remember where you were when you heard about the death of someone famous - John F. Kennedy (before my time), John Lennon (I was too young to have any awareness), Princess Diana (I clearly remember my mum waking me on a Sunday morning to tell me), John Thaw (in the car travelling along a road in Connemara during my honeymoon), Caron Keating (in the car when I’d just returned to work and my first daughter was only six months old. I remember this vividly because it hit me hard as a new mum), Amy Winehouse (in the car on my way home from my nephew’s sixth birthday party). Lots of news heard in cars. I don’t remember where I was when I heard the news about Michael Jackson, Prince, River Phoenix, Whitney Houston. There isn’t any logic to it. Perhaps I wasn’t in a car.
At 1.30am in a hotel room in Portugal, I heard about Matthew Perry in a post on X (tweet really did sound so much better). Facts were slowly emerging. There hadn’t been a breaking news update yet. I’d woken to find a flurry of WhatsApp messages from the daughters we had left behind in Belfast. There’d been a bit of a drama, a lot of complaining, disturbed sleep, an incident with some carpet cleaner. By the time I discovered what had been going on, all had settled down again but as I rang each one of them and waited for one to eventually answer and sent mum texts like “You will FaceTime me so I can see you’re ok”, I also searched for more information on Matthew Perry. Was it really true? I couldn’t get back to sleep. My head was full of Chandler Bing.
Like many of my generation, I watched every episode of Friends. There were piles of videos lying about in our house. My sister and I got various seasons as Christmas presents. We watched it with our own friends, re-runs never seemed boring. This summer, I went to visit the Friends apartment building in New York. It was a deliberate trip, a bit of nostalgia. It wasn’t somewhere you happened to pass. I stood across the road and took a photo, and I wondered what it was about them that appealed to us. I guess most of us wanted to have friends that got on the way they did, where each person was encouraged to be an individual yet was also accepted as part of a group, where no one had to change or conform or become a lesser version of themselves to fit in. And I realised most of us are searching for that kind of belonging, for people and places where we can just be ourselves.
There was an article in the New York Times1 about Matthew Perry. It described the loneliness of addiction and how loneliness and that feeling of not belonging often lies at the root of addiction.
“No matter who it is or what substance that person is hooked on, loneliness is at its root. For whatever reason - and I have no theory as to why — there are those of us who feel isolated in this world, as if everyone else had some secret formula for getting along, for fitting in, and no one ever let us in on it. That loneliness resides deep inside us, at our core, and no matter how many people try to help us, no matter how many friends reach out, support us, show up for us, it never entirely goes away”.
So, what have I been writing about?
When I look back at the pieces I have written over the last month or so, that theme of belonging is somewhere in all of them, whether it’s about being seen, being accepted, not being alone, being in it together. (P.S. I suggest reading to the bottom of this newsletter and then coming back and clicking on any links that interest you).
You Want Me? “There’s always someone out there who can take that next step with you”.
This Is About Connection (And Painting)
“I think those of us who lean ‘bookish and nerdy’ can feel quite unseen until all the bookish nerds gather in one place and throw our arms around each other”.
What Am I Expecting From My Children?
“She would be visible. She wanted to get credit. She needed acknowledgement”.
Why Is Jennifer Aniston Doing This To Me? (And Some Must-Watch Recommendations)
“When he was being horrible to me,” she said, “he was also being horrible to them”.
Maslow’s Friend Deborah’s Hierarchy of Church Needs - Let’s Start With Belonging
“If people don’t feel loved and safe and supported and like they matter, they probably won’t be spreading the gospel”.
What else have I been up to?
Thoughts for the Day…
I’m currently half-way through a four-week stint doing Thought for the Day on BBC Radio Ulster on Sunday mornings. Here are the two that are available so far. The theme of belonging definitely makes an appearance in these too!
Presbyterian Herald…
It was a real privilege to write the story of the congregation of First Omagh Presbyterian for the November edition of the Presbyterian Herald. The photos are great too! This is a church that understands the importance of belonging. You can read it here (costs £2 to download).
What am I reading in November?
One of the great things about being away for three nights without any children was the additional books I managed to get through in October. I’ve decided everyone deserves a reading holiday from time to time. They should be especially compulsory for those dealing with teenagers. I’m not taking a reading holiday in November so I could be optimistic about getting through these. But, in November, I have planned a crime thriller by Australian author Jane Harper, Irish writer Colm Tóibín’s re-imagining of the life of the German novelist Thomas Mann, Natalie Haynes’ fresh take on the story of Medusa (the choice of my book club) and Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café. I loved the film but have never read the book.
What else is happening?
Monday Greenway Walks (Mondays 7pm)
Monday walks have been going well but I’ve mainly been booking in people for individual walks, and I’ve now decided it would be great to get a bigger walking group together. Exercise is important but so is connecting with others so here’s hoping someone other than me turns up this evening! We will meet as per the information below.
Pop-Up Book Clubs
It was great to have so many come along to the Autumn Pop-Up Book Club when we discussed French Braid by Anne Tyler. We talked about the cat incident at length, plus the ice cream episode and Mercy leaving the pants with the saggy waistbands behind along with her husband. We also talked about how people can feel like they don’t belong in their own family.
The next Pop-Up Book Club will be on 21 March 2024 (it’s a while away but do put in your diary). I’m thinking Maeve Binchy’s Circle of Friends seeing as friendship and belonging is key to a happy life. Let me know if you think this is or isn’t a good choice of book (I was slightly shocked that it’s an over-700-pager).
What am I enjoying?
Something to listen to…
My new favourite podcast is ‘Soundtracking with Edith Bowman’ where she talks to those responsible for composing the scores of films. I highly recommend this most recent episode on the music of Top Gun: Maverick. (And sticking to the theme, I do think Maverick may be searching for belonging)…
Something to read…
I guess you could call this a bonus episode from me but whilst on the theme of Top Gun: Maverick, here’s a piece I wrote last year ‘I’d Rather Be A Maverick’ when I was deeply moved by the experience of watching it.
Something to watch…
Nothing wrong with re-watching Top Gun: Maverick!
Deborah’s list
Last month, I started Deborah’s list – five recommendations/enjoyments/pleasures from the month that’s been and gone. I find it useful to look back through my camera roll and remind myself of good things. This month, we have a bagel with lots of butter, statement shoes, some Autumn colours, a Portuguese custard tart and a back street in the Algarve.
Please do get in touch if there is anything in this newsletter that has resonated with you. Maybe you could tell me if you feel like you belong?
Love, Deborah
I too remember finding out about Elvis'death while being in a car!