Thank you for this. I feel it’s important to share my experiences of church so no one else feels alone in their experiences. I hope church is going ok for you.
I've learned not to expect much from church but then I get annoyed when I'm expected to fit into church structures. The implication being that if I don't fit in that I am "difficult". I don't feel difficult at all. I watch others feigning conformity, so obviously the structures I speak of don't suit them either. It seems being politely fake is the norm in church.
Yes I understand this. That requirement re fitting in/conforming is prevalent and there is a sense of not seeing real people at church just their church personas! That’s maybe something else for me to write about....for me, the main worrying thing about conforming is that it prevents creativity.
I nearly broke out in a cold sweat today when I thought the pastor was asking us to turn and speak to the people beside us, a flashback to our previous church, but thankfully I’d misheard him.
I find it difficult to walk through the church door too. I always seem to be rushing in at the last moment and have realised it’s so that I don’t have time to talk to anyone, bar a quick “Hello”. This also means that the back rows are full but I’ve discovered I can sit 1/3 of the way from the front and if I go to the middle of the row I will probably be ok because most people sit at the end ( our rows can be accessed from both sides).
I have thought about not going and seeing how long it’d be until someone reaches out/ notices but then the guilt that’s ingrained in me kicks in. After all, I go for me. Although I have missed a few Sunday’s, when I do pluck up the courage to return a smile helps and usually results in some conversation, however brief.
Helen, thank you so much for sharing this. It's interesting even to think about the habits we form so we don't have to engage in too much conversation or put ourselves out of our comfort zones - where we sit, the time we arrive etc. It's also interesting that the back rows fill up first!! You make a very important point about not going and wondering whether anyone will notice. When you think of why we gather for corporate worship, fellowship is so important. To think that no-one might notice your absence is quite saddening. I hope you can continue to go and find blessing there. I have decided I'm going to be braver and start conversations with people!!
I just stumbled across your writing via a Facebook share. I consider myself an extroverted introvert, people see outward confidence, but rarely appreciate how flat battery gets and my need to recharge alone. This post definitely resonates.
Church makes me more introverted than most places, and I now struggle to show up.
I'm still processing why, but thoughtful podcasts and a Sunday walk in the park, seem to increasingly satisfy my midlife hunger for worship and soul food.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m finding what you say fascinating re worship and soul food. Alongside all my other issues (!) I’ve been craving a simpler approach to worship. The sea has featured a lot in mine! I might write more on this idea of ‘introverted worship’ if you ever fancy a chat. And yes I too can be an extroverted introvert, perform, speak at a microphone but I need to lie down afterwards....
We understand being gone a lot. It is hard for others to understand and it is hard to fit in especially at new church. I find I have to do the reaching out first. Having a few friends is enough.
Yes definitely having a few friends is enough. The older I get the harder I find it to maintain a larger network! And yes to reaching out first. I hold my hands up and say I’m responsible for creating new connections at my new church.
“Travelers” don’t make good friends”… I have always said. People don’t understand “us”…. Those that have to travel are not understood. We don’t fit into the “norm”. It is hard to be counted on for the normal church activities … and people have their “groups “… already established and a new person doesn’t fit in especially when they are gone so much. It is different in midlife… not bringing kids in and out and groups that automatically include you.
I guess having one or two people we know and enjoy is enough. I find I have to be the one to reach out and do the inviting. Waiting for invitation might take years!🙃
Enjoy your new church. They will enjoy having you there when you can come.
Thank you for this and yes, you are right, moving from place to place doesn’t make it easy to find an established group of friends plus I’ve always resisted that idea of being part of a clique/closed group at church. I’ve found midlife very interesting, nearly like I’m forming a new identity at church as the pandemic broke our attendance at church as a family and my children sadly don’t come anymore.
I can relate so much to this! It's so helpful to find out others have similar viewpoints in this. It was so good to have it voiced so well too. Thank you!
Thank you for this. I think I’m just glad I’m not the only one! Being connected is really important at church and I’d love to find ways to make it better for people.
Deborah. I am an extrovert. I found this an important piece which helps heighten my sympathy for those who are different from me. I have posted it on Facebook
Trevor thank you for this. Most introverts would love to have what extroverts have! Thank you also for sharing more widely. It helps to open up conversations.
This is such a hard read. I feel for your frustration but am glad to see your concern about the situation. How much more worrying would a lack of caring be? Trust the denominational article will yield some fruit.
Thank you Lynda - yes sometimes I think I should keep quiet but I think there are also others out there who feel the same way introverted and disconnected! But we still have much to offer.
Deborah I so understand. We would love you back with all your great talents, it was our loss when you left. Jean Brown
Awk Jean thank you and it’s good we can still meet from time to time. I’ll be in touch to arrange a catch-up.
It was good to read this piece. It's a rare thing to hear someone reflect on their experience of church with candour.
Thank you for this. I feel it’s important to share my experiences of church so no one else feels alone in their experiences. I hope church is going ok for you.
I've learned not to expect much from church but then I get annoyed when I'm expected to fit into church structures. The implication being that if I don't fit in that I am "difficult". I don't feel difficult at all. I watch others feigning conformity, so obviously the structures I speak of don't suit them either. It seems being politely fake is the norm in church.
Yes I understand this. That requirement re fitting in/conforming is prevalent and there is a sense of not seeing real people at church just their church personas! That’s maybe something else for me to write about....for me, the main worrying thing about conforming is that it prevents creativity.
I nearly broke out in a cold sweat today when I thought the pastor was asking us to turn and speak to the people beside us, a flashback to our previous church, but thankfully I’d misheard him.
I find it difficult to walk through the church door too. I always seem to be rushing in at the last moment and have realised it’s so that I don’t have time to talk to anyone, bar a quick “Hello”. This also means that the back rows are full but I’ve discovered I can sit 1/3 of the way from the front and if I go to the middle of the row I will probably be ok because most people sit at the end ( our rows can be accessed from both sides).
I have thought about not going and seeing how long it’d be until someone reaches out/ notices but then the guilt that’s ingrained in me kicks in. After all, I go for me. Although I have missed a few Sunday’s, when I do pluck up the courage to return a smile helps and usually results in some conversation, however brief.
Keep going! It’s so good to know we’re not alone.
Helen, thank you so much for sharing this. It's interesting even to think about the habits we form so we don't have to engage in too much conversation or put ourselves out of our comfort zones - where we sit, the time we arrive etc. It's also interesting that the back rows fill up first!! You make a very important point about not going and wondering whether anyone will notice. When you think of why we gather for corporate worship, fellowship is so important. To think that no-one might notice your absence is quite saddening. I hope you can continue to go and find blessing there. I have decided I'm going to be braver and start conversations with people!!
You’d be welcomed back Deborah and BTW no age limit for Soup Club! 😉
Thank you Linda and who knows, maybe I’ll pop up there some day soon!
Hey Deborah,
I just stumbled across your writing via a Facebook share. I consider myself an extroverted introvert, people see outward confidence, but rarely appreciate how flat battery gets and my need to recharge alone. This post definitely resonates.
Church makes me more introverted than most places, and I now struggle to show up.
I'm still processing why, but thoughtful podcasts and a Sunday walk in the park, seem to increasingly satisfy my midlife hunger for worship and soul food.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m finding what you say fascinating re worship and soul food. Alongside all my other issues (!) I’ve been craving a simpler approach to worship. The sea has featured a lot in mine! I might write more on this idea of ‘introverted worship’ if you ever fancy a chat. And yes I too can be an extroverted introvert, perform, speak at a microphone but I need to lie down afterwards....
We understand being gone a lot. It is hard for others to understand and it is hard to fit in especially at new church. I find I have to do the reaching out first. Having a few friends is enough.
Yes definitely having a few friends is enough. The older I get the harder I find it to maintain a larger network! And yes to reaching out first. I hold my hands up and say I’m responsible for creating new connections at my new church.
“Travelers” don’t make good friends”… I have always said. People don’t understand “us”…. Those that have to travel are not understood. We don’t fit into the “norm”. It is hard to be counted on for the normal church activities … and people have their “groups “… already established and a new person doesn’t fit in especially when they are gone so much. It is different in midlife… not bringing kids in and out and groups that automatically include you.
I guess having one or two people we know and enjoy is enough. I find I have to be the one to reach out and do the inviting. Waiting for invitation might take years!🙃
Enjoy your new church. They will enjoy having you there when you can come.
Thank you for this and yes, you are right, moving from place to place doesn’t make it easy to find an established group of friends plus I’ve always resisted that idea of being part of a clique/closed group at church. I’ve found midlife very interesting, nearly like I’m forming a new identity at church as the pandemic broke our attendance at church as a family and my children sadly don’t come anymore.
I can relate so much to this! It's so helpful to find out others have similar viewpoints in this. It was so good to have it voiced so well too. Thank you!
Thank you for this. I think I’m just glad I’m not the only one! Being connected is really important at church and I’d love to find ways to make it better for people.
Deborah. I am an extrovert. I found this an important piece which helps heighten my sympathy for those who are different from me. I have posted it on Facebook
Trevor thank you for this. Most introverts would love to have what extroverts have! Thank you also for sharing more widely. It helps to open up conversations.
This is such a hard read. I feel for your frustration but am glad to see your concern about the situation. How much more worrying would a lack of caring be? Trust the denominational article will yield some fruit.
Much love.
Thank you Lynda - yes sometimes I think I should keep quiet but I think there are also others out there who feel the same way introverted and disconnected! But we still have much to offer.